Finding The Truth
by Hasselhoff
Summary: In Progress:: Au. Companion Piece to AbbyLockhart2's searching for the truth. Abby and Carter 25 years and five kids later.
1. Living The Life

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Authors Note- Howdy folks! This is a companion...? I guess it's called a companion piece to AbbyLockhart2's Searching For The Truth. (Thus the title Finding the truth.) So if you have been reading her fic, for kicks and maybe even a few shits and giggles you might want to check it out. I can't take credit for the plot that was all Liby's idea, my creative geniuses did virtually nothing to further that. None the less if you liked her fic (Which how could you not? It's crazy great) You might, (notice how I said might?) like this fic. I'm not making any promises. But give it a shot, if you love it tell me, if you hate it, tell me. Anyways shout out to Liby, thanks for the help with this and thanks for letting me work with you.

Side Note- I'm not as far a long as Liby with the writing cough chapter two cough so I'll be putting a few up a week, so the updates won't be as frequent. Anyways, enjoy!

Chapter 1- Living The Life

Trees line every corner, tinsel haphazardly tossed onto the artificial green. A newer version of jingle bells hums in the background throughout all the hustle and bustle. People push past one another, avoiding eye contact, eager to get their carts filled, and leave. No one seems to pay any attention to anyone, or thing, for that matter, but themselves. Just another reminder of how commercialized this goddamn holiday has become. It's not the way I remember it as a kid. It's not the way I remember it from when the kids were kids. Sure we've tried to keep up with the old traditions, they've never changed. But somewhere along the line the feelings have changed. I've changed. _We've_ changed. This time of the year seems like any other, except my bank receipt at the end of the month is about five times as much as it regularly is. Other than that...

Ethan pushes through the throng of people trying to find the perfect store that has the perfect gift, for his _perfect_ mother. I watch as he searches, a frown crinkling his brow yet again. This store won't do, just like the last one didn't and just like the next one won't. I'm here to help him apparently. Not that I am doing a great job at that. I'm the last person in the world who knows what Abby wants. Hell, I'm the last person in the world who knows Abby. At least not anymore Not like I use too. But Ethan seems to think that I know something about his mother or I wouldn't be here, after all.

He tugs on my coat leading me towards a store. A bronzing store. I look at him peculiarly, causing him to roll his eyes at me. We stand in front of the store, more like a booth actually. A little old man, not that little actually, more round, stands in front of us. His back to us, busy at work bronzing what looks to be a child's shoe.

"There a reason we're here, Ethan?" He watches the man for a second, his eyes flashing over the price of the bronzing. Done by size, weight ECT... I shoot him another look that he just ignores. This doesn't surprise me. Just like his mother. Does what he wants when he wants. Something that always bothered me about Abby, she never seemed to clear things through me. Or even ask what I thought, how I felt. From work down to our kids. It's in the past; I can't change that now. She's out of my life, in every sense of the word, but literally out of my life. Emotionally, mentally... everything but physically gone. Not that it will be long. She knows it. I know it. Only the kids are left.

"Remember my hand print from kindergarten?" The one that is in the garage somewhere, stocked up on a shelf, in a box that I know has many of Abby's belongings in it. She's been packing ever so slowly; I've noticed it, so has she. We've just never acknowledged it.

I nod, remembering Ethan running home, trying his best to hide it from his mom. Her mothers day gift. He always held a soft spot for her. Which I think pulled us apart a bit, not intentionally of course. But he was the most distant from me, even further than Jack, which is surprising. Jack who came home in the tenth grade with a nipple ring and swore up and down that if we made any comment on it (which Abby had many), the next body part to be pierced would be his penis. Abby went into cardiac arrest briefly, but we managed to get her back. I often wondered where Jack came from, I thought for a moment that Abby must have had an affair with someone like Pratt... Hell even a biker dude, one of hell's angels. But then that wouldn't explain Rob. Perfect Rob, I guess I gravitated towards Jack more when it came to those two, too. I love my children. Every one of them equally, but Jack and I have been close. He is the wildest out of all the kids, and never bonded with any of them. He made a point of being a pain in the ass, and he continues to be one. He keeps the days from blurring together though. Rob on the other hand... He's great. Not in the perfect sense, we let Ethan be perfect. Rob is the type of guy who can walk into a room and everyone will stare. As cliche as that sounds, it's true. People gravitate towards him. It's truly amazing.

Ethan is perfect, but not cocky about it. Jack is cocky, among many things. Maybe that's to make up with his work between the sheets. I'm not sure. Ethan is the mama's boy, the captain of the football team... Everything. I just hope he realizes that life may not be this sweet when he gets out of high school. When the shelter we have created for him tumbles to the ground. Amy on the other hand seems to have her head screwed on straight. She definitely knows that life can have its curves, although she may not always be ready, she seems to be able to handle them. She's a daddy's girl. Yet not as much as she use to be, her and her mother have gotten awfully close. Which isn't a bad thing. I just don't feel as...needed. Millie is my little girl. She will be forever, that I am pretty much certain of. We have a connection, a bond that I don't really share with the other kids. Maybe Jack. She seems closer to me than she does her mother... And with Ethan being closer to Abby, it could make this whole...ordeal? Easier to deal with.

The "festively plump" man turns towards us, looking at my eager son, who resembles a puppy who's just seen another dogs butt. He stares at us grumpily, but it doesn't rain on Ethan's parade.

"Can I help you?" His question is targeted towards me, ignoring the teenager. As usual, another case of age discrimination.

"Yes... I have a hand print that I'd like to get bronzed. When would be a good time for me to bring it in?" He runs his hands through his short brown hair, sighing.

"I'm busy." He spits at us, turning his back towards us.

"Yeah, I see that. That is why I am asking when I can bring it in." I look at Ethan, his face turning a little flushed, his voice going up a few octaves. I can tell this is not going to end pretty. When the kids were younger I would interject, but I think, for now, this is a battle Ethan needs to fight on his own.

"I'm free around ten tomorrow." I catch the man's eye, and I can tell, just from a glance that he wasn't expecting Ethan to be so bold with him. Not that he did much. But I can't help but feel a bit proud.

"Thanks." Ethan and I turn to leave; I shrug as he tries to suppress a grin.

The ride home is fairly smooth, filled with small talk, and carols on the radio. I glance over at Ethan, noticing he's crinkled brow and his serious expression. Uh-oh he's thinking, which can't mean anything good. I steal a second glance before looking out onto the road again.

"You know we all see it." I look at him suspiciously. See what? That I steal glances at them when they aren't looking? I wonder if they know that I would sit on their beds and watch them sleep when they were younger.

"See what?" I ask making a left hand turn at the lights.

"You and mom." I wish he were talking about me stalking them.

"What do you mean?" I don't want to go into it too much. It's not his age, or his maturity level, I just don't know if me discussing my marriage, or lack there of, with my son is a good idea.

"You don't look at each other the way you use too." Hah. I'm not sure she ever looked at me the way I looked at her. Looked? Look. I _look_ at her the same way. Maybe it's not as obvious as it use to be, but every time I see her, I feel the same as I did the day I met her. But there's something missing... I've tried to fix it; I've tried countless times. She doesn't want too. She doesn't want to fix it. She doesn't want me. I can't fight her anymore. I can't make her do something she doesn't want. The kids are older now, she can stop pretending. Soon she will get too.

Fuck her. Just fuck her.

"Marriage... Love... It's all complicated kiddo." I turn onto our street, thankful that this conversation is coming to a close. I'm not sure I can lie to him much more. Be so vague. We didn't raise them like this. We were open with our emotions. Tired to be. We tried to raise them to be able to tell us anything and everything. God knows we never could do that. Yet here I am lying to my son.

"Dad-" He starts, shaking his head he glares at me. "I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm not an idiot. Don't treat me like one. Don't... Just don't..." He runs his fingers through his hair, again. A habit he picked up from me.

"Ethan, I know you're not an idiot. It's just that... It's between your mother and me."

"I'm your son. It affects me; it affects Millie, Amy, Jack and Rob too. Not just you... We deserve to know." I pull the car into the drive, and hop out. Sure it's a bit immature. I just don't know what to say what do I tell him? 'Sorry son but your mother doesn't love me anymore, and has doubted my love for her, _our_ love, for the past twenty some odd years.'

I stare at him for a second. Arms securely crossed over his chest, head bowed slightly. I know this affects him, and god I wish it didn't. I wish I could just make it all magically go back to the way it was. Or the way we thought it was. The illusion. The fairy tale we had created. But I can't, and neither can Abby. It doesn't work that. It never will. If he were Millie or Rob, I would go over there and talk to him, but I know my son. Right now he needs to cool down. He glances up at me for a moment, before rolling his eyes and perching himself against the car window.

I walk away from the car, taking a deep breath and trying to pretend everything is okay and will be okay. The door to the house creaks open, I'm greeted with Christmas decorations and my daughters giggles. I immediately pick my pace up walking into the kitchen. Amy greets me in her usual way. Kisses on my cheeks, arms around my neck. I hold her close spinning her around. My reason for living. One of five...

I look at Abby, and plaster on a fake smile. She does the same. God we've gotten good at this. I wish we weren't, I wish we didn't lie to our kids on a daily basis. But we are, and we do. Not that they don't see through it. Who are we kidding, we have some damn smart kids. But I still plant a kiss on her cheek, before feigning being upset that I am not allowed to help out in the kitchen. Relieved is more like it. Amy instructs me to lie down, I don't argue with her. I have to pick up Jack from the airport, I thought about inviting my father. He has come to a few of our Christmases, but this year things are going to be strained. I figured it was best without him. But god knows that Abby adores him. And would probably be thrilled to have him here. He adores her, as well. More so then me, I am sure. But then who doesn't adore Abby? Everyone seems to have one reason or another. Not even the walls she builds up, or her sullen attitude, can prevent people from loving her. Granted she has gotten better throughout the years, but still I can't help but resent her. Even a bit... She seems to feel the same way about me.

I run my fingers through my fading hair and plop down on my bed. _My_ bed. Just another sign of the end. A big finger pointing at me, a crowd huddle around me screaming out _loser_. A dead baby, two, now four failed relationships. I'm quite the accomplice.

I curl up in the bed, after setting my alarm clock, mentally preparing myself for the last Christmas as a family.

The annoying buzzing in my ear, startles me awake, flailing my arms in the air, I somehow manage to hit the off button. I hear the same sound everyday, and it never ceases to scare the shit out of me. Running hand over my face, I climb out of bed. Walking over to the mirror I flatten down my bed head, run my hands over my clothes and start on my journey to pick Jack up. I leave my bed unmade, this use to annoy Abby, can't anymore. I push the door to my room open. Speak of the devil, she stands across the hall from me, stocking the closest with towels and sheets. I stare at her for a second, before trying to make a quick exit. She looks over her shoulder, hearing the floors rattle a bit.

"I'm going to pick Jack up." I breeze by her, she doesn't stop what she's doing. Pretends I'm not there, something we've gotten good at.

"He's at Midway." She tosses at me.

"Yeah, I know." My tone of voice is cold, rude. I'm not speaking to my wife, I'm speaking to an enemy. Someone who I am forced to have interactions with. She scoffs at me rudely. I didn't expect anything less. She puts no effort into this. Us. I don't really see the point anymore, we're dead. Gone.

I look over at the stairs, and there's Amy. Her eyes fall on us. I'm not sure Abby notices, not yet. She catches my gaze, and throws me the same scoff that he mother does. This grabs Abby's attention.

"Why don't you guys just grow up?" She brushes by us angrily. Storming off to her room presumably.

I hesitate a moment and continue down the stairs and towards the airport. I'm pretty excited to see Jack, he'll be able to draw the attention from Abby and I. He's always been good at drawing attention to himself. Like the time in third grade when he flashed the teacher. That did not go over well when trying to argue the principle into keeping Jack in school. It's amazing he's gotten as far as he has. Smart shit.

Not surprisingly Ethan is no longer in the car. He probably caught up with his sister, and is now on the phone to the Barbie doll. The dream couple. Soon he'll get his heartbroken. It's inevitable. Even one day Jack will get his heartbroken, to his dismay of course.

The drive to the airport seems quick. Probably because it's one of my rare moments out of that house. Away from her and all that drama. Jesus I can't wait till we can solve this for once and all. We'll probably tell the kids individually, better that than they come at us full force. Together they are definitely a force to reckon with.

My cell phone rings as I park the car. I pull it into one of the few spots that are empty. Christmas is a few days away and the parking lot is packed... Who would have thought?

I flip it open only to be greeted by Amy's chirpy voice telling me to pick up some desert on the way home. I push into the airport; I'd rather be in the warm room then out here in the bitter cold. At least it will be a white Christmas, all the kids love white Christmases. When they were little we would take them out and make snowmen on Christmas Eve if there was enough snow. This year I am sure there will be. We'll carry that tradition on for one last year. I'll definitely miss my family being together. But ever since the twins and Amy went to college it hasn't been quite the same, not as easy to avoid Abby either. I should have paid more people to move in, just to make it easier to avoid her. I probably could have found a few bums at the hospital looking for a warm place to stay.

I look for Jack, I can't seem to find him. I'm assuming he'll be with someone leggy blonde who is all brawn no brain. Not surprising for him. No wonder he doesn't hang onto them, he probably can not carry on a conversation with them. Jack is a lot of things, but stupid is not one him. He is very smart, he's just a pain in the hind end. I think he'll end up marrying a woman just like his mother. He, of course, doesn't like when I say this. But he needs someone to keep him in line. Someone like Abby would definitely do the trick... Just without the addictions and the flaws I use to love, but now despise.

"Dad!" My head shoots up, and there stands Jack, bags in one arm, blond in the other. Surprise, surprise. I walk towards them, a smile on my face.

"Hey Jacky." I encompass him in a hug, he reciprocates, which is a bit surprising. He pulls away, looking at the flavour of the week, then back at me. I hope she knows that she will probably never seem me again.

"Dad, this is Michelle. Michelle, my Dad." I shake her hand and she mumbles a shy hi, while looking adoringly at Jack. She's number twenty what, to do that? She goes on that list along with Kelly, Marie, Dana, Tiffany, Sara, Sissy, Laura, Tanya and that girls he dated last year and the year before that.

I roll my eyes at them. I'll give them one thing, they do look happy. Hell it may only last for a week, but they both seem content with one another. That can be hard to find. Jack pulls his gaze away from Michelle and looks at me, still grinning like an idiot.

"Well, you two look...happy." I say giving them a sceptical look. Jack shrugs noncommittally.

"Well you know Dad; we're just trying to mimic what you and mom have." He takes Michelle by the hand grabbing his bag and leaving her to carry her own three suitcases. I reach over and take two from her and shoot Jack a look. He's such a little prick sometimes. Can't even help his girlfriends with their bags, saying things that he well... never mind. Why did we have to give him _my_ name? He just runs it threw the dirt. Along with everything else he ever gets, like this poor girl. She can't be too bright to be falling for him. Although, who knows maybe she's playing with him... heh... nah.

I lead the kids through the airport and out to my jeep. Not quite the same one that I had twenty years ago. Not even close actually. I bought it recently, a reminder of the things I had, I guess. Jack babbles onto Michelle about Chicago, and all the places he is going to take her. I can only think of one place that he will most likely take her, and that is not the symphony, or a play...

"...Then later maybe I can sneak into your room..." There it is.

Abby insisted that they have separate rooms. I didn't see the point. They are going to have sex anyways, maybe not under our roof, but probably. So why just make it a bit more exciting for them? The whole sneaking around bit is definitely enticing to Jack. I'm sure Amy does not want that happening in her bed. That was probably the most we have talked in the last year. And the conversation was about Jack and his newest squeezes. I wouldn't call it talking either... It didn't start well and it didn't end well. Just like none of this will.


	2. Reality Sets In

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Authors Note- Just wanted to thank everyone who reviewed, I'm glad you're enjoying this. So this is chapter two, it goes along with Liby's chapter two- Facing Reality. Anyways thanks again for the reviews, and this chapter is a little shorter than the last one.

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Side note- I don't have the third chapter written yet, I only have a paragraph. So I probably won't be updating until later this weekend, if not Monday. But I'll do my best to get a chapter out ASAP.

Chapter Two- Reality Sets in.

Soft music lulls through the darkened hallway. The only light coming from the room she's sitting in. Alone. Not exactly alone, not if you count the alcohol as a person, a substitute for a person really, at least in her case. Her vice, her dependency. I'm not sure when she started, maybe it never really ended. She had me fooled for a while, but she couldn't keep that for long. Sometimes I think I know her better than I know myself, better than she knows herself. Lately it's not as obvious. Hell for the past twenty years I've wondered, muddled over what went wrong. How I could repair it. God knows, for a while I wanted too. I tried my damnedest, but it all become to much. Too much effort, not enough reward. Nothing in return. We grew apart. We knew it was happening but failed to acknowledge it.

On nights like tonight, Christmas Eve, I like to believe that maybe, just maybe there is some hope for us. Subconsciously I know there is none. I'm not even sure there ever was, but as the music drains lightly through the mansion, and I hear her deep sighs from outside the door, I wonder if maybe there is some hope. Even a grain, a chance I could take her into my arms, sweep her off her feet. Make it all better. Her hair falls carelessly in front of her eyes, effortlessly she blows at it, not moving it an inch. She sits there, undisturbed nursing her beverage of choice, this evening.

My footsteps echo in the room, she knows I'm here. She knows what I'm going to try. She knows because this isn't the first attempt, as feeble as it may be, sometimes I think it's all I have left. Candles are sparsely placed around the room. A sanctuary type setting, protecting her from all harm. Leaving her to her own darkened doom.

She senses as I step in front of her, she gently lifts her head up to see my outstretched hand. A simple eye roll confirms what I knew was coming. She won't let herself give in, not even one night. She believes it's hopeless. She's right. There is no denying that. But for one night why can't she just let us have what we use to have. Take ourselves back all those years, when loving making wasn't required, it was something we did because we wanted too. Kisses weren't perfunctory, and love was real. I guess all is lost, for good, in her mind there is no resurrecting what is long past dead. I reach forward prying the mug out of the death grip she has on it. She watches as I hurl it at the fireplace, watching, satisfied, as it clunks against the back of the charcoal decorated wall, and eventually shatters.

Useless, fucking useless. She's right, there is no hope. Going back is not an option. She would rather sit and sulk, self deprecating misery is something she drowns in, yet drinks up like she downs that alcohol. Done without a thought. My love for her has never faltered, but we can't make it work. The rip is too large, a hole too severe. No amount of needles, and stitching will fix the tear we have made. Our love isn't mend-able. At one point I thought by having the kids we were keeping alive. Making out love tangible. We could touch them, hold them. Created all out of love... Some surprises, but we loved them, we loved the moment we made them. Always special... Always different. Now, now I can't claim to have those moments with her. Maybe they just aren't wanted anymore. It's too much, overwhelming.

"Daddy..." I hadn't even realized I walked up the stairs. I can vaguely make out Amy's figure in the dark. She rubs her eyes moving closer to me.

"Go back to bed, baby." I push her hair out of her eyes. She pulls me into a tight hug, nestling her head against my shoulder.

"What were you doing downstairs?" She pushes off of me, squaring her body in front of mine. As to corner me.

"Try to get some sleep... We have a big day tomorrow, you know Millie is still at that age-" I don't want to go into this with my daughter. One question leads to another, then another. Nothing is simple with Amy. This is hardest on her, she grew up in the 'perfect' family. She wants to still live that life. It's not possible. It never really was possible, or real. But I can't tell her that.

"What was the noise? I heard something, break, shatter..." Your mothers alcohol flying into the fireplace. That's what it was. Your mom is an alcoholic. She has been for as long as I've known her. It's her vice, it's what she goes to when she has nothing else. It grabs her by the throat and pulls her down. She succumbs to its bittersweet trance every time. Every fucking time.

"It's Christmas tomorrow and your sister will probably be excited. She won't be for long though, I think 14 is pretty much the end of it all... But when you were 14 you had all the younger siblings, maybe it was different for you... Still real. Still all the magic..." Avoiding an issue, an Abby thing. But right now I'm finding it useful. I can't talk to her like Abby can. It's not that I don't want too, but to me she is my baby girl, I can't sit her down and tell her how my marriage is falling apart in my hands, and I can't fix it no matter what I try to do. Not that I try anymore. I can't tell her that it's over and I know that, and Abby knows that, but I want to hold on anyways. Even if just for the sake of having something to hold on too.

"Were you guys fighting?" Fighting, ha. We don't communicate enough to fight. We can't fight. We just avoid each other. Harbour bitter feelings.

"Do you remember that Chris-"

"Daddy, please..." I have eventually adjusted to the darkness and I watch as her big brown eyes plead with me. Beg me for answers.

"Amy, just go back to bed. Everything is fine, your mother is fine, I'm fine." I can't even look at her as I lie. She knows it's not fine, but nothing is going to get better. She runs her fingers over her cheeks, trying to hold back the tears.

"Don't lie to me. At least with mom she is honest with me. You try to cover up what is really happening... You try to lie to all of us." Her voice heavy with tears, thick with anger.

"I don't lie- I try to protect you." I fight back. My voice solid and firm. We are yelling in a whisper, trying to keep our middle of the night disturbance as quiet as possible.

"From what? The truth? You can't protect us from life, dad. What's happening is happening. But I don't know how you can just throw away all those years of marriage there must of been some good times." She doesn't have a clue. She only saw what we wanted her to see. Granted she saw more than most people. But we had many masks. We put on shows for our children, kisses, hugs, hand holding. We wanted them to believe everything was okay. We wanted them to grow up with the perfect parents. The happy, loving parents. The parents neither of us had. Was that so wrong? Perhaps. Maybe we did more damage, then we did good. Showing that if you pretend that everything is alright it may just be. But we made a decision, we _chose_ to do that, now we have to live with that.

"Amy- this isn't the time to go into this okay? There is no fixing-" I run my fingers across my brow, trying to stop the anger from fuming. I know a part of me is getting mad at her, becoming easily frustrated, because I have pent up anger towards her mother.

"There would be if you tried." I openly scoff at that.

"Tried? What do you-"

"I know you two, I know there was more between you guys... Just please remember... Remember when you got back together, if Africa couldn't stop you nothing-" Africa, oh please don't go there. Don't bring that up. Not again.

"Just stop Amy. I don't want, or need to relive all those moments. They weren't pleasant when I was living them, and they sure as hell haven't improved." I snarl, she backs up a bit, but her anger doesn't cease.

"Well maybe if you would just face the past-" I take a deep breath, turning my head away for a moment. I should have stopped this conversation earlier, I'm already afraid it's gone too far. I reach forward, pulling Amy's head towards mine. I place a kiss on her forehead.

"Goodnight. Go to bed, you need your sleep before you go back to school and go back to never sleeping. I remember those college days." I don't look her in the eye, slowly I walk around her, leaving her standing alone to ponder our argument.

"'Night." I hear her mumble as I descend into the blackness.

The room is damp, cold, empty, lonely. I stand in the doorway looking around, switching on the small lamp on my dresser, I pick up a picture next to it. One of the family. All seven of us. I always wanted a big happy family. At least I got one out of the two things. It's taken around Christmas, a popular time in this house. About ten years ago, everybody looks so happy. So... fake. My arm is around Abby's waist, that was probably the most contact we had made in two years, three maybe. After Millie was born the affection wasn't as frequent, not that it happened often before that. But it suddenly came to a halt. We didn't kiss, we didn't hug. Nights were spent on separate sides of the bed. Never touching, her back to mine, mine to her. Even when we were dating there would be nights when she couldn't sleep. Too much on her mind, be it work, then when we had the kids, it could have something to do with them. What ever it was, she would be up all night thinking, pondering what she could do to fix it. Drowning in a sea of worries, one she would most likely not be able to swim out of till later the next day. When I first noticed she was doing this, twenty five years ago, we would stay awake together. Talking some nights. If she wanted too, that was. Other nights I would lay there with her, silently watch her, watch as her brow would knit, then un-knit in concentration, trying to conjure up some great plan at how she could save the world. The world was still in chaos the next day and we were sleepless. But that didn't matter, not to me. As long as she knew I was there, I cared. Those nights eventually became too much for me, too much lost time. I became frustrated, irritated even, that she would be up at all hours of the night. I became good ignoring her presence. A few years after that stopped she suggested separate bedrooms. All I could think was _'separate bedrooms are not for happily married couples...' _ We weren't happy.

I crawl into bed, pulling the covers protectively around my neck, savouring its warmth. I reach over and turn out the light, surrendering myself to an ocean of blackness, allowing my thoughts to come alive, swarm me and eat me alive completely. My mistakes surface, and play on my nerves reminding me what a hopeless failure I am. Like a song in the mid night air, I can hear the words of those who thought I would fail, a constant pounding in my head. My fingers fumble with the dresser drawer. I pry it open, listening as it creaks along the tracks. Propping my body up on my elbows I reach in the dresser quickly recognizing the feel of the package on my skin. I smack it against my palm pulling out the tar filled paper. Clenching it in between my fingers I grab the lighter that I tossed carelessly on my dresser and spark it, illuminating the dark room. It catches immediately. I inhale taking in the tar and cancerous fumes. I don't care anymore. It was smoking or shooting up. I'm not Abby, I don't go back to old weaknesses like that. I can handle stress and pain better than she can. I wouldn't be surprised if she picked this habit up again, I wouldn't put it past her. She wrecks everything she works hard to accomplish. Drinking, smoking, us...

I stub out the cigarette and slam my dresser closed. Taking a deep breath, I prepare for another day of faking, faking my feelings for her. Acting like everything is fine. Fucking perfect. Everything isn't fine, it isn't perfect. The saddest part of it all is lying to my children, after teaching them never to lie I turn around and do it. Hypocrite. Well at least Jack won't mind. I actually think he enjoys watching his mother and I fake that we are in love. He once referred to our relationship as 'better than a soap opera, although the sex is probably not as good for you two... Soap Opera sex is so funny and dramatic. I wouldn't blame mom for not wanting to have sex with you... Look at your hair it's all grey-' The moment he started to run his fingers through my hair, I smacked him on the side of the head. He hasn't touched my hair since.

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Thanks to- Froggiezaz, Angel Dust, Mrs Clooney, and Carby-Always. And as always thanks Liby for wanting to work with me... you rock! And thanks to anyone who is reading

(I will respond to reviews if anyone has questions or anything like that...)


	3. Backwards Steps

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Disclaimer- Characters, not mine. Song belongs to _The Calling, could it be any harder._

Rating- PG

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Authors Note- Hey I am sorry for the lack of updates, but I hadn't written this chapter and then I got the idea so I figured I should write it. Anyways, I have been EXTREMELY busy lately. I have a lot of school work this year, due to college and everything so my fics could be updated less, but I hope to do it in my free time. Anyways. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

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Companion with- Moving On (Summary for moving on- Abby leaves Carter and he calls her name as she is leaving, Amy calls Abby and is upset about the break up, and Abby reminisces while looking at pictures.)

Chapter Three- Backwards Steps

You left me with goodbye and open arms

A cut so deep I don't deserve

You were always invincible in my eyes

the only thing against us now is time

She's all moved out. Boxes covered my front entrance for what seemed like days, but was really only a few hours. The kids packed up a few of their things, dividing what they wanted at my place and what they wanted to take over to Abby's into boxes. It wasn't easy to watch. I spent the day helping Ethan. It wasn't easy on him, but he handle it very...maturely. I was impressed, and proud. He's growing up fast. Too fast, sometimes.

_"Mom's going to pick up my stuff tomorrow. I might spend the night there tonight, though." I look up from my newspaper, that I've been staring blankly at for the past twenty minutes or so._

"Oh, okay." I guess I look hurt, because he moves closer to me, shutting the den door behind him. He perches on the end of the couch looking at me.

"It's- it's just that I don't want her to be alone. And... I mean there are always people here." Then why do I feel so alone?

"Don't worry about it son." I pat his knee, folding the newspaper up and tossing it onto the table. "You do what you have to do." Why do I suddenly remind myself of my dad?

I stand up walking closer to the door, and pulling it open.

"You'll be okay?" I don't turn around.

"Yeah, I'll be fine." I walk out into the hallway, the place I was trying to avoid today. The pain seems to sky rocket when I am out here. Brown boxes clutter the big space, making it look smaller than it actually is. Abby isn't anywhere in sight, not that I want to see her. Not really at least. I don't know what good it would do me.

"She's started packing the car." I nod, as he moves closer to me. "Look dad..." He pause, our eyes meeting and suddenly I'm seeing less of the young boy that I raised, and more of the man he is becoming. "If there is anything I can do..." I nod again, patting his shoulder.

"I know." He smiles at bit. "Go finish packing, I'll be fine." He's gone as soon as he came. I hear the door open and Abby come in. Leaning up against the den door, just out of eye shot, I watch as she picks up a few boxes, taking them out to her car. Not too many left before she is completely out of my life. My wife... Ex- wife. I shake my head, the word sending sharp pains into my stomach.

She walks into the mansion again, picking up the last few things that lay scattered on the floor. She looks around one last time, her keys in her hands, chiming together lightly. Scanning the room she looks remorseful? Sad?... Heaving a deep sigh she heads towards the door. My feet take over leading me closer, watching as her fingers delicately hold the railing.

"Abby..." My voice trailing away, swimming into the darkness.

She graces me with a weak, broken smile. I open my mouth to speak, again no words come. It's useless. In a single sweep she's gone, the door is shut keys are on my table, I look at them longingly. It shouldn't be this way, it shouldn't have turned out this way. When I said forever I meant it. I guess some things were made to be broken.

I run my fingers along the blue velvet box, remembering the day I handed it to her. The smile that unfolded on her lips. How I made her repeat her answer over and over again. Funny, it's usually the other way around. Guess that should have been my first sign. I tuck the box into my locker, shutting the door closed before more memories decided to haunt me. I don't think I'll ever be free of them, we work together, I just can't avoid her, or cut her out of my life completely. Something's just don't work that way. We never worked that way.

Slinging my stethoscope around my neck I walk to the coffee machine, pouring myself a cup. Her picture hangs a few feet away from me, a Christmas picture, one of the many we have decorated the lounge with. I shake my head again. Nothing has ever seemed this hard, maybe I'm over looking a few things. Loosing Kem, my grandmothers death, my brothers death, my drug addiction, Lucy's death. Yet nothing seems to compare to the pain... My son's death... It felt like every piece of me was being ripped apart shredded. He would have been my life, things would have been different...

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,

Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true

If I only had one more day

She's not working today, which is more than a relief. A lifesaver to say the least. I don't think either of us could have functioned if she had been...

"Carter, you have a visitor." I look up at Frank, who nudges his hands towards my father. He stands a few feet away looking lost, at the least.

"Dad." I say, approaching him quickly.

"John." He shakes my hand firmly, looking me up and down. As to make sure Abby didn't slaughter me before she left.

"You look good." I say retrieving my hand.

"I wish I could say the same for you." He says sorrowfully. I bite down on my bottom lip. "I'm sorry John, I wish things could have turned out differently for you. Abby, is such a nice woman. I always wanted more for you then what I had, and I'm sorry I couldn't give that to you."

I shake my head looking at him confused. "Dad this isn't your fault. This was my marriage. My responsibility. I guess I let her slip away from me, maybe I should have done more." No, I definitely should have done more. "There's nothing you could have done to make that better."

He pats my shoulder gingerly. "I know son... Maybe if your mother and I set a better example." I nod knowingly, knowing exactly what he is thinking. Will I be having this same conversation with my kids one day? Will I be telling them I'm sorry I didn't try to set a better example with my marriage, so maybe they could see that happiness is not just plastering a smile on your face, but work, and it's worth it. And if you love someone enough you will do anything to make them happy and be happy with them.

"Nothing you can do now dad. It's in the past. Everything is."

"Maybe there is still time." He says with a bit of hope. I shake my head. Time? I wasted time, I killed time, I used it against myself. Thinking that is I _gave _her time then things would be okay. She didn't need time, she needed to know I loved her.

"Time, hope, love. That's all a thing of the past dad." Abby was, and remains unreachable. The more time I put between us, the more unreachable she became. I don't think she realizes how much she meant to me, how much I would give just to be with her again. To try and make everything alright.

"Well, dad," I say looking around the hospital, "I better get working." He nods understanding, shaking my hand once more he heads for the doors. I watch as he fades into the crowds, smudging in with the busy day. God, my life is such a mess. I turn towards the stack of charts and grab one, flipping through it.

I lie down and blind myself with laughter

A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing

And now I wish that I could turn back the hours

But I know I just don't have the power

The minutes seem to blur into hours, my legs are worn, my head hurts, my chest aches. I'm completely numb, wearing myself out, working myself into the ground. Regrets of words I should have said, moments I should have taken advantage of. Things I should have done... Things _we_ should have done. Stage one: Regret, Stage Two: Anger. I think I'm looking forward to stage two, finally being able to put blame where blame is due. I do realize this is not all my fault, yet with each passing minute I think of a new way I could fixed us. The stitches I could have used to mend our broken souls. God, Abby, don't do this to me.

The stack of charts seems to be accumulating, not shrinking as it should be. I rub my fingers along my weary forehead. I need a break from this, from this damn hospital from my life. I just need the phone call to finalize it.

I thrust my hands into my pockets and feel the hard package rubbing up against my knuckles. My pen clunks against the chart, as I make my way towards the ambulance bay. I pull out the package, resting the cigarette in my lips, I light it and look out into the night. The blackness falling over Chicago, winter is leaving us as spring settles in for a short stay.

I watch as throngs of people crowd down the streets pushing their way past one another. Each in a hurry to get home to family, I guess I'll no longer be part of that rush. I spot her out of the corner of my eye, her figure slowly making it's way towards me. Head down into the collar of her jacket. I watch her for a second, before throwing my burning cigarette to the ground and walking into the hospital. The admit desk looks like a good place to hide. I thought she wasn't working?

"Frank, Abby's on?" I ask looking at the heavy man.

"I had to call her in shortage." He shoves another piece of donut into his mouth. "Don't worry Dr. Carter, you're outta here in less than a half hour." I glance up at the clock, midnight. Well, now I'm looking forward to the end of my shift.

"ER?" Frank grabs the phone, I look away seeing Abby walk into the hospital. Susan greets her, and they walk into the lounge together... Looking at her smile she seems happy, but looking at her eyes I see differently, one of the many masks she wears is shining through.

"It's for you. Some guy from Africa. Your little doctors without borders..." Frank says shoving the phone in my direction.

"Dr. Carter, speaking."

"Dr. Carter, this Jean from the-"

"Ah, Jean..." I say, more than happy to hear his voice.

"You remember." I nod, remembering him from one of my adventures to Africa.

"So you are interested in volunteering in the program again, after twenty-five years."

"Very interested."

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without,

Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true

If I only had one more day

Thanks- Carby-Always, CarolinaCarby, Angel Dust, Froggiezaz, shygirly. And, As usual, thanks to my buddy/partner in fan fiction crime/and one of the coolest people I know: LIBY! Whoo! Thanks for everything, maybe I'll catch up to you one day. (oh and the kids are good, thanks for asking!)


	4. Changing Part 1

_Authors Note: Hey sorry it took me so long to update, but I have been swamped with school work and I finally have a little break, meaning like day. So I took the time to write a new fic and do a chapter to this one. It could be a while till the next update, I'll try for within the next two weeks but I can't promise anything. Anyway thanks for all the reviews I really liked them... and I hope you like the chapter._

_**Chapter matching-** This goes along with **Searching for the truth chapter Five Changes,** I sort of skipped chapter four of that series. (Jack, Carter's dad, goes to visit Abby.) But I am doing a two part series, so this is part one...I hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer: The song belongs to Nelly and Tim McGraw... A rapper and a country singer... who woulda thunk it? They would I guess..._

_

* * *

_

_Cause it's all in my head  
I think about it_

_Over and over again  
And I can't keep  
Picturing you with him_

_And it hurts so bad  
Yeah, cause it's all in my head_

I look out at the night sky, drops of rain pamper the sidewalk, people rushing by me, ignoring anything but their purpose for being in such a hurry. Sometimes I wish I could go back fifteen years to when I was rushing home. Wanting to get there as fast as possible. Amy would be waiting for me at the door, something in her hand that she had made for me at school that day. Rob and Jack would be wrestling in the living room, Abby trying to pry them apart while cooking dinner. Ethan would be watching the sports network, playing or doing homework. Then of course there would be that bump under Abby's shirt, the one I would talk to every night before we went to sleep, every morning when I woke up, and during the day whenever I could. My Millie.

I sigh watching the calm night waters again. If I could do things differently I would, I just wouldn't know where to start, how to start. I want it all back, I want the moments I had with my kids, the times spent with my wife... When we were together, both there, into the relationship, efore Millies' birth, before Ethan's around the time of Rob and Jack maybe. Things weren't perfect, I never wanted perfect, things were right though.

Shaking my head morosely I look out again, trying to take my mind off the past. I can't change it, mend it or fix it. Why go back and torture myself? It's a pointless endeavor. I clutch my cell phone in the palm of my hand, waiting for my daughter to call. She's in town for the week, and I told her I had to see her. Most of the kids spend time with their mother, figuring she needs the support, or they worry because she doesn't seem to care. Abby never showed her emotions, you had to be able to read her. And I could, well at first anyway. Not anymore though, somewhere along the line I lost that, I lost that along with her.

A vibrating brings me out of my reverie. I flip my phone on, answering quickly. "Amy."

"Hi daddy." She sounds happy, she was a little upset when her boyfriend couldn't come with her. So was I, I wanted to meet him and scare the shit out of him.

"Can you go for coffee?"

"Yeah. Aren't you working?"

"I just got off... What about Ike's, we can grab something to eat as well."

"Actually... I have eaten already." Oh. "Yeah, I'm sorry dad, I wasn't sure what you were doing... and when mom offered me dinner..." Her voice fades, obviously sounding like she failed me.

"No, don't worry about it honey. We can just grab some coffee." I try to put on my best, 'I don't care' voice. Too bad I seem to be failing miserably.

"I can sit with you..."

"No, really it's okay just meet me at the coffee shop on fourth...."

"Okay, I love you." With that she hangs up. I guess trying to balance both parents is going to be hard on the kids for the first little while. I can't blame her; I can't blame Abby really either. I should have made concrete plans. I turn my back to the river walking towards the coffeehouse.

_Over and over again  
I replay it_

_Over and over again  
_

_And I can't take it  
I can't shake it, no  
_

I lean back against my chair, studying Amy carefully as she tells a story about college. A parent appropriate story, not one of those outrageous 'I went to a frat party, met a guy, slept with him and am now having his baby.' Stories. god I don't think I could deal with that right now. She talks animatedly about her boyfriend, she glows when she talks about him. He obviously makes her happy I hope it lasts I really hope it does.

"You're not planning on marrying this guy are you?" I cock an eyebrow, leaning down to take a sip of my coffee.

"God no, at least not right now. I mean... We have talked about it a bit. But don't worry dad, nothing to get concerned about. I'm not gonna run off to Vegas with him." She chuckles.

"Good, I'm glad. I would hate to miss the wedding." She smiles at me. Suddenly the tone has turned serious and we divert our gazes elsewhere.

"How have you been?" Her voice soft, as she touches my hand. I feel like an old friend is comforting me rather than my daughter.

"Good..." I answer, smiling at her.

"Really?" I shake my head; I've already had this discussion with her.

"Amy. I am fine okay?" She nods her head, catching the hint of indigence in my tone. "Your grandfather is in town. Did you see him?"

"No. He didn't stop by. He is probably going to though. He and mom always got along very well though." Yeah I know that. He did always prefer her to me.

"I assume he will."

"How is he?" She asks, rubbing her finger mindlessly over the edge of her cup.

"You know your grandfather, he's like stone." I sigh, shaking my head a bit.

"Kind of like my father." She sighs, I can see the eye roll.

"Amy." I singsong.

"What is this all about dad?" Her tone firm. She knows I have ulterior motives. She is leaving tomorrow, and I can't bear not telling her before she goes. I haven't told any of the other kids, but I am assuming I will have to tell Millie. I'm not sure if there is a point in telling Jack, he rarely answers the phone when I call. And Ethan and Rob, well they probably will care, but right now I think I owe it to Amy to tell her.

"I'm going to Africa."

"Again?" She sounds shocked, why shouldn't she be? I think I just dropped a bomb on her.

"I'll be gone a few weeks. I haven't told your sister yet, nor your brothers. But I would really appreciate if you didn't tell your mother." I look at the table, studying the pattern, and fiddling with my napkin.

"You don't think she's going to notice?"

"I'm just not ready for her to know right now. She wouldn't approve..." I trail off a bit at the end. I'm speaking as though I'm married to the woman, and I'm not... But I can still see her face when she realizes where I have gone.

"Are you going to see her." She sounds accusatory. Her? Kem? How the hell does Amy know about Kem? I know she knows the vague details of Africa, but we never got into anything more than the smallest details with her. She's the only one that knows, she came across the letter when rooting through the attic one day.

"Along with the letter was a picture of the woman, dad." She answers for me.

"I'm going for a good cause, Amy. I'm going to help people." I sigh, looking up at her. "I'm not going to hook up with an old girlfriend, I'm not going to rekindle a long since dead flame. I'm going because I can't be in Chicago anymore. I can't be where I am not wanted."

"Not wanted?"

"Everything has changed since the divorce... Your mother, me..." I try to finish the sentence but somewhere along the way my voice flattens, I cough a little, until a sharp pain shoots through my arm. I grip at it a little more, my chest tightening...

_I can't wait to see you  
Wanna see if you still got that  
Look in your eye_

_That one you had for me  
Before we said our goodbyes  
And it's a shame that we  
_

_Gotta spend our time  
Being mad about the same things  
_

_Over and over again  
About the same thing  
Over and over again_**  
**

_

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_

_Thank you's: Thanks to, **Angel Dust**_**, _carby-always_**_**froggiezaz**, **CamiliaC **and of course chaos theory 137... thanks again Liby, I hope you like this chapter... I sorta winged it. _


	5. Changing Part 2

_Authors Note: Quick update, oh yeah. Don't expect it too often though. Sorry guys, but I had a shot of inspiration so I had to get it down. I have an idea for my next chapter of existent so expect updates on that in the next week if you are reading that. And I will have to think about what I am going to do with this fic, I'll try to let you know in my next existent update. Phew, lots to say. Anyway here goes chapter five part two. I kinda went out here on my own, taking it a bit of a different route..._

_Matching with: Chapter 5 Changes... Of searching for the truth. This is the second part to changing._

_Disclaimer: Again the song Tim McGraw and Nelly. (Oh and I was thinking it more pertained to the whole story rather than just this chapter.)_

_**I can't wait to see you  
Wanna see if you still got that  
Look in your eye**_

_**That one you had for me  
Before we said our goodbyes  
And it's a shame that we**_

_**Gotta spend our time  
Being mad about the same things**_

**_Over and over again  
About the same thing  
Over and over again_**

* * *

I clutch the table, gripping at my chest. This can't be happening, I take good care of myself, I exercise everyday... I have kids, five kids, they need me... Not now, not yet, I'm not ready. I need another chance, I need to fix things, I need to make everything okay. God, please don't make this it. I'm not ready... I don't know if I'll ever be, but I know I am not right now. Give me a chance, let me fix things. I can, I will.

I feel my body go numb tingles of pain running through my veins, as I fall helplessly against the floor. My eyes closing involuntarily. Please, no, god, no, no, no...

"_No, no, no..." I hear a voice sputter... "No..."_

_Then... "Carter." Me? My name. "Carter." Someone gently shakes my shoulders, then another shake, much more violent this time. _

"_Mmm..." _

"_John, wake up." Her voice harsher, this time. I pry my eyes open against the bright lights._

"_Hi." I smile a bit, as she rolls her eyes at me. _

"_Don't hi me." She smacks me on the arm, pushing herself off the gurney. I watch as she stands above me, hands on hips, pout on lips. That's the Abby I know, I wouldn't have her any other way. God I love her._

"_What?" Her tone indignant, I shake my head a little laughing at her. "I was just thinking about how much I love you." She gives me the signature eye roll. _

"_What?" I ask playfully. _

"_You're such an ass." I grab her by the waist pulling her down on top of me. _

"_Ugh, John don't." She pushes herself off of me, clearly annoyed, although I'm not sure why. Things have been... amazing. More than amazing, just the best, since we got back together and now she's acting weird. I give her a quizzical look, that just gets me an eye roll. _

"_Abby what's wrong?" I ask, grabbing for her hand._

"_Nothing, I just don't want you touching me all the time... Jesus Christ, you can be such a horny bastard." Well, I do admit I can be horny at times, but I wouldn't consider myself a bastard. "Now get up, there's a trauma rolling in." She orders before disappearing through the doors. I pry myself off of the gurney, taking a moment to adjust to being awake, before standing up and following my annoyed girlfriend out of the room. _

**_Oh but I think she's leaving on  
And she's leaving here  
And I don't know what else to do  
(Can't go on not loving you)_**

_The trauma takes a few hours until the man is stabilized and ready for surgery. I drop my gloves into the garbage searching around the hospital for my girlfriend. The halls are scattered with people, non-of which are the one I am looking for._

_  
I scan the rooms quickly, heading straight for the drug lock up. There she stands searching for her desired drugs. I watch her for a moment, leaning up against the cage. Her hair flowing, eyes tired, but she looks beautiful none the less. I've been enamoured by her since I got back... Well mentally at least. I've been back from Africa for a while now, but things stood in my way... our way. Now I've seen things clearly. I needed to work on things that she had figured out while I was gone. She had become the person I had always wanted her to be... But she was different, she wasn't perfect, she wasn't the woman I had pictured myself with. She was Abby...Cynical, sarcastic, everything she had ever been, with a few minor improvements. Somehow I feel like I am not good enough for her. If she wasn't good enough for me before, why suddenly, when she is the same person, just dropped the vices, do I suddenly feel as though I deserve her?_

_I don't. _

_But she'll have me none the less. Together we work, we have managed to push past the bad stuff, at least I hope we have, now we are working on being together, because I want her forever. _

"_Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me, or are you gonna say something?" _

"_I was thinking the former." I charm, I hear a distinctive scoff at that. I push off the wall and join her in the lock up. I take a container of drugs out of her hand, pulling her around to look at me. _

"_Everything okay?" She nods, before turning back to her task at hand. "Abby..." I try again. _

"_We're doing okay right?" I look at her for a moment as she continues grabbing her drugs. _

_  
"What?" I ask taken aback. _

"_You. Me. We're okay? We're going to be okay right." She is facing me now, eyes pleading with me to give her the answer she is longing to hear. _

"_Yeah, we're okay. We're more than okay." I say grabbing her face with my hands, I lean in for a kiss, trying to push any fears she may have away. _

"_I'm pregnant." The words fall out of her lips against mine, freezing me in that spot. I pull away slowly, before my lips even met hers. I look at her for one long moment, then down to her stomach, then back to her lips. _

"_Pr-Pre-Pregnant?" I stutter. She nods slowly, carefully, almost as though she's testing to see my reaction before she gives me the whole truth. _

"_Yeah." Her head falls towards the floor, just as my fingers reach for her chin, tipping it upwards._

"_Really?" I can feel the smile on my lips. She nods again, as tears gather in her eyes, for a moment I think she may be crying out of joy, but when I take a second look I notice this is not the case. _

"_Abby, baby." I say, pulling her into my arms. "What's wrong?" I hold her face into my chest while she gathers herself._

"_I don't know if I can do it John. I'm not meant to be a mother. What if I can't give this baby everything it needs." I pull away a bit, my hands fall to her forearms. _

"_Abby, all you have to do is love this baby and have its best interest in mind, which I know you'll do. You're going to be a great mother." She looks at me again, I place a gentle kiss on her lops, holding her again. I can feel her sigh a bit, before holding me tighter. _

"_We're going to be parents." She sighs, "We're going to be parents." _

**_Cause it's all in my head  
I think about it  
Over and over again_  
**

_**And I can't keep  
Picturing you with him  
And it hurts so bad  
**_

_**Yeah, cause it's all in my head  
I think about it**_

_**Over and over again  
**_

_**I replay it  
Over and over again  
And I can't take it  
I can't shake it, no  
**_

I can hear the whirs of noise around me, I'm not sure where I am, I can barely open my eyes. I try again, seeing the room swirl around me. I try to grasp something, I can't move my arms, a tube is down my throat and Susan is staring at me.

"Abby." I try to mouth the words, but I can't. Abby... Where is she... Abby... She would be here, they would call her. Despite everything that has happened, they would call her. She has to be here. She has to know I love her. I can't let go, not this easily I won't. I feel my eyes falling heavy again, as Susan calls my name, her voice gets more distant by the second.

**_I remember the day you left  
I remember the last breath  
You took right in front of me_  
  
_When you said that you would leave  
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you  
Or say anything_  
**

_**But I see clearly now  
And this choice I made keeps  
Playing in my head  
**_

_**Over and over again  
It play in my head  
Over and over again**_

**_

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_**

**_Thanks To: Froggiezaz, Carby-Always, and Tracey- Thank you, I always wait to see what you have to say lol, and I tried to sorta take this chapter my own way... And of course Liby... You liked this chapter... Thanks dude! Thanks to everyone who has ever reviewed! You rock!!!!_**

**_And if you want you can always review too:)  
_**


	6. Slipping Away

_Authors Note: Hey sorry I haven't updated all week, but I've been pretty busy, but I am updating tonight, and I hope to get a chapter of existent up tomorrow. So you can expect that up too. Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter. _

_Matching With: Searching the truth, the waiting game. _

* * *

"Dad... Dad... Please wake up." I hear a voice plead with me, just as a hand covers my own. The hand pulls mine closer to their body, placing a gentle kiss on the back, before crying against it.

"He's not just going to wake up, Amy." I hear my son say. "It will take more than your begging..." Jack continues, his voice harsher than usual.

"We're suppose to talk to him..." I hear Ethan chime in gloomily. I listen for a second longer, trying to pry my eyes open so I can look at them and figure out what the hell is going on. I can feel people surrounding me, I can hear Amy sigh, but I can't move, I can't look at my beautiful children, as they sit around me. I want to ask Amy what she is doing home from school, tell her I am fine, to go back. I can't. Ethan should be studying he has exams coming up...

"Did you tell mom?" I hear Millie ask someone. Millie, my Millie, crying? Her voice quivers, and I can hear a body part smack against something.

"She doesn't care." Amy's monotone voice answers...

"_We can't just buy them everything they want, John." I sigh, again frustrated with my wife. Of course we can't buy them _**_everything _**_they want, but it is Christmas, and they do deserve the gifts, it's not like we spoil them like this all the time... _

"_Why not?" I counter. _

"_Because, I don't want them to think they can have everything they want." She sighs, moving away from the Barbie's to the toy cars._

"_They can't. Not unless it's Christmas that is." She rolls her eyes at me again, taking a moment to tuck a strand of hair behind her ears. "I'll tell you what. We'll get them everything they asked for, for Christmas, and then, once Christmas is over, we can make them clean the house, and only feed them bread and water." I grin. _

"_That sounds fair. So what Barbie did she want?" She smiles, before plucking a Barbie off the shelf. I scan the array of Barbies with my beautiful wife, who is four months pregnant, with our fourth child. _

"_You do realize this time next year we will have a fourth child." She sighs, looking down at her belly wistfully. I smile, bringing the palm of my hand to her round stomach and gently rubbing it. Yup a fourth baby, I couldn't be happier. _

"_And then maybe we'll be expecting our fifth." _

"_I wouldn't hold your breath on that one." She chuckles, picking up a Barbie and tossing it into the cart. _

"_No? You want to stop at four... Come on Abby, you know you love having all these kids around." _

"_Hah." She laughs, throwing me a smile. "I love having the kids, but I'm not sure I've enjoyed the 70 hours of child birth." She stops to pick up another toy off the shelf. I stop just short of stepping on her heels, I wrap my arms around her waist rocking her back and forth. _

"_And that's seventy hours total, smart one." I laugh, kissing her cheek. _

"_Yeah, and they were worth it... But this little one in here," Her hand wanders back to her belly, "he was a bit of a shocker." _

"_Even more so then Amy? Amy definitely throw me for a loop." I bend down to her belly resting my lip right near her covered belly button. "Yeah, baby, your sister definitely surprised me, you'll get to meet her soon." Abby's hand wanders to my head shoving me away._

"_You think if you rub it, it'll grant you a wish?" She cracks. _

"_You know, I think you get funnier with each pregnancy." I counter, looking through the action figures. _

_  
"What can I say, hormones bring out my comical side." I bet. She reaches forward, grabbing an action figure on the shelf her ring catches my attention as she does this. The same ring I had intended to give her the first time I attempted proposing. This time I actually followed through with it. Which may have surprised me more than it did her. She seemed a little shocked when I got down on one knee in the restaurant that day... But she got over it quickly, and said yes, smiling, she looked happy... I think she was, at the time I was positive she was... But now, something seems a little different about us. I'm not sure what exactly. Sometimes I think it is because we have no time to spend just us. We are running after three kids constantly, one who will send both of us to an early grave and he's only two. This is the first time we've been alone in what seems like months. _

"_Carter... Earth to Carter." I snap out of my stare and look at her. "What do you think of this outfit for Jack?" We have somehow made our way over to the clothing section and she is holding an adorable outfit with trains on it. _

"_Rob." I state simply, I can't see Jack wearing that. Yes I know that my son is two, but he has quite the personality. "I could see Jack more in something with the hulk on it." She scoffs at this. _

"_Yeah, I can't believe what a monster he is. He's a little devil." I roll my eyes laughing._

"_Abby, he's not that bad. He'll probably grow out of it, you know, terrible twos." It's her turn to roll her eyes now. _

"_I swear John, it's not just a phase, that's who he is. He is sneaky, and devilish, not to mention about a billion other horrible things that no mother wants her child to be. And on top of all those things he's smart, which is the **deadliest** combination." _

"_Well whatever he is, he is our son first and foremost." I say passing by to grab a navy blue outfit, that is more suiting to Jack. _

"_Yeah well..." She says, her voice trailing off as she finds something else to focus on. I watch her out of the corner of my eye as she fiddles with the clothes, probably picturing one of the boys in each outfit. Something about her demeanor, maybe it is just the pregnancy but she just doesn't... she doesn't seem happy. _

"_Why don't we go get some lunch... Come back and do this later." I say grabbing her by the elbow. _

"_Sure, I'm ready to eat about anytime during the day." I laugh, she doesn't have to remind of that one. My late night trip to the grocery store last night is reminder enough. _

_We head in the direction of the food court, passing by all the hurried Christmas Shoppers who need to find the perfect give for their significant other. All I can focus on right now is talking to Abby, finding out what is on her mind. We don't talk as much anymore, again it comes back to all the kids, but I'd like to try and fix that. Maybe one conversation won't do it, but we can over time. It's nothing to be concerned about, we'll be okay. We always have been, we always will be. _

_A neon red sign catches Abby's eye, like a bat outta hell, she flies towards the Chinese food and orders a heap of almost every item on their menu. Normally, I would split it with her, but I'm sure she won't need my help. I go for the healthier selection of pasta and salad. In a few minutes we have gotten our food and found a table, in a reasonably secluded area of the packed food court. She plops her tray down across from me and immediately starts to dig in. _

"_So..." Obviously I'm interrupting her pig feast, so she must stop to glare at me. "Abby, why don't we, you know, talk while we eat? Like we use to." She gives me, what I'm assuming is a sympathetic glance and puts her fork down. _

"_You're right, I'm sorry. I'm just so use to having to hurry through dinner." She sighs, picking up her napkin to wipe the sauce off her chin. _

"_I understand." I smile, "So, what's on your mind?" I ask taking a bit of my salad. _

"_Whether Jack has tied our babysitter up and locked her in the basement." She pauses while I laugh a little. "Shit. That reminds me I have to call." She begins to get up out of her chair, but I put my hand over hers._

"_Don't worry, I'm sure the kids are fine." She shakes her head, removing my hand from hers. _

"_I'm calling." She gets up, high tailing it outside, where she can use her cell phone. _

_Sometimes she can be so difficult, but I guess I can't really blame her for being concerned about the kids. Jack does have a reputation, and I'm sure he'll have a police record by the time he's six. _

"_They're fine." She says sitting down beside me._

"_I knew they would be." I mutter, it's best if I don't attack her parenting skills, she's very sensitive about them. _

"_So what did you want to talk about?" She picks up her fork, slaughtering her food again. _

"_I just wanted to talk, it seems like we don't talk anymore... at least not about anything other than the kids. You know? It just feels like we have grown distant, like you don't tell me as much." I watch her as I say this, the whole time her head is downcast, fork playing with her food, never putting any in her mouth, until my sentence is finished. "Abby..." I say waiting for her to say something._

"_We talk." Through a mouthful of food, great. _

"_Not really." I sigh._

"_Look, John, we both have hectic schedules, not to mention three kids. Jesus, I'm sorry if we can't spare the time to talk like we use too. But I really don't consider it that important on our list of things." I toss my fork angrily into my plateful of food._

"_So you're saying our relationship isn't high on your list of priorities?" I sit back in my seat, giving her a long hard look. _

"_Jesus, you take everything so personally." _

"_You don't expect me to take it personally, Abby? I love you, you're my wife, yet I feel like you can't even trust me..." _

"_Maybe I can't." She throws her fork and napkin down, quickly gathering her purse and walking away in a huff. I sit in my seat, watching as she descends into the crowd._

The fading beep of a machine is all that can be heard. The memories are fading, I try to reach out, grab them, hold them in my hands for a second longer. I can't let them go I can't go back to not knowing where things went wrong, or why. I watch as they spiral downwards out of my reach. I try to grasp them...

**_

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**_Thank you's:_** **_Froggiezaz- _**_thanks, I'm glad you liked the last chapters flash back...__**Angel Dust, Carby-Always- **I am liking the flash backs too, I like getting to give a bit of an explanation. And... **CarolinaCarby. And as always thanks Liby, I hope you like this chapter... Hey and get yours out soon! **_


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